THE COMPASSIONATE CLASSROOM
Presented by Wendy M. Kurchak, 2013 Central Alberta Teacher's Conference
SESSION NOTES
“Before we can generate compassion and love, it is important to have a clear understanding of what we understand compassion and love to be. In simple terms, compassion and love can be defined as positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination, and inner strength. In the Buddhist tradition, compassion and love are seen as two aspects of the same thing: Compassion is the wish for another being to be free from suffering; love is wanting them to have happiness." His Holiness the Dalai Lama, www.bamboointhewind.org, 2011
GRIEF:
• the intense and painful response when someone or something a person cares about is perceived as lost
• Grief involves allowing oneself to fully experience the loss. There are no healthy shortcuts or ways to avoid grief.
• Grief is based on one’s perception of loss. Every person’s journey is unique because of this.
GRIEVING
• the process of integrating loss into one’s life
• ever-changing
• a whole person response and experience : emotional, physical, cognitive, spiritual
THEORIES OF GRIEF:
• Kubler – Ross stages outdated
• Replaced with models involving Tasks, Phases, and Processes
Task based theories of grief propose that the bereaved process their grief through the completion of certain tasks. William Worden, one of the best known task based theorists, proposes four tasks (2002):
Worden’s Task Model
1. Accept the reality of the death
2. Work through the pain of grief
3. Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is
4. Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life –
1. Accept the Reality of the Death
In Worden’s first task, to accept the reality of the death, a bereaved student struggles with the shock and denial related to the loss.
· It will take time for the student to comprehend that their loved one will not be coming home from work, that their chair at the dinner table will remain empty.
· ->a student may need a few months to accept the reality of a loss before they are able to move on to the next task.
· Here we may see a student who appears to be “doing okay” yet seems to deliberately refuse to believe that a death has occurred.
· They may do their best to limit changes in their school schedules.
· Some grieving students may even engage in additional after school activities to delay going home where the loved one is now missing.
2. Work through the Pain of Grief
In the second task, to work through the pain of grief, we see the consuming and exhausting manifestations of the multitude and intensity of emotions.
· The depth of pain may cause a desire to avoid or flee from the suffering.
· Students working through this task may experience, and/or express, any of the following:
· Anger - may be irrational and often displaced
· Fear – of death of self or others
· Panic or anxiety - about their current situation, and/or the future
· Physical illness - which may be caused by stress and lowered immunity
· Guilt - such as “If only I had______”.
· Signs of grief related depression.
· A death wish to be with the deceased or to end their own suffering (Fitzgerald, 2011)
· Bereaved children exhausted from grieving may begin to find school overwhelming.
· Some students choose to withdraw – either formally, or by default.
3. Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing
The third task is to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
· For many bereaved students the act of learning new skills and roles, during this potentially chaotic and unsettled time, forces them to change how they must now live without their loved one.
· Students may begin to speak about changes at home and school – taking their younger siblings to school, cooking supper for the family, an older student may quit volleyball for a job in order to supplement the family’s income
· There are a multitude of new roles and responsibilities created by the primary and secondary losses related to a death.
4. Emotionally Relocate the Deceased
To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life is Worden’s final task.
· This type of relocation means finding ways to alter the emotional investment as it once existed in the relationship.
· Engaging in new activities and relationships indicate that a grieving student may be involved in this task.
· Memorialization is an example of how a student may honour a relationship with the deceased while moving on with their own life.
· Creating and wearing special T-shirts or wrist bands which honour the deceased are creative expressions of this task.
Process Based Models reflect the process by which one grieves:
· Dual Process Model
· Continuing Bonds
The Dual Process Model
The oscillation between two sets of processes defines the dual process model:
“Loss - orientated” processes, which primarily involve the work of grieving, alternate with the “restoration-oriented” processes, which focus on living.
· This model exemplifies the type of” back and forth” grieving processes we might see with children and teens.
· Even as they grieve, the students continue to work through developmental tasks appropriate for their age.
· The complexity of the interaction of between coping with loss, and “getting on with life”, is clearly apparent through the perspective of the dual process model.
· A bereaved child’s tendency to grieve in “doses”, periods of grief interspersed with times of regular activity, exemplifies the oscillation between the two alternating processes.
· Sarah may spend an hour sobbing in the washroom about the recent death of a soccer teammate, but then returns to class to tackle her English project about Romeo and Juliet.
Continuing Bonds Model
New research suggests that we don’t “let go” but that we maintain a relationship – in absence.
· “letting go” of the deceased is a coping strategy which is not supported by this theory.
· keeping pictures on their cell phones,
· praying or talking to the deceased,
· feeling their presence at different times, planning a career which is similar to their deceased parent, and sometimes making plans for a deceased parent to be represented at a significant future event i.e. Prince William and Kate Middleton, had a “memorial chair” for Princess Diane at their wedding.
· The words of Matti J.T. Stepanek poignantly illustrate continuing bonds with his dead brother, Jamie in the poem “Special Things”
CHARACTERISTICS OF GRIEF
Neurobiology -> “Insecure attachments influence the developing brain, which in turn affects future interactions with others, self-esteem, self-control, and the ability to learn and to achieve optimum mental and physical health.” (www.healingresources.info, 2011)
· Insecure attachment –> death, severe loss of presence ->Fear -> over arousal of the sympathetic nervous system -> leads to enlargement of the amygdala – it prevents messages being received by the cortex where rational assessment and decision making is performed -> results in the Dorsal Anterior, insula, cingulate cortex and the nucleus accumbens becoming smaller.
· This results in a reduced capability to learn, make rational decisions, and perform effective problem-solving
· This entire process is called amygdala hijacking
· THIS is why we need to intervene
NOTE: These session notes discuss types of grief which kids will usually process on their own with minimum intervention.
***A SUDDEN UNEXPECTED DEATH qualifies as a “traumatic death”.
Student will likely have TRAUMA LOSS- integration of mourning and loss -> REFER
Students will still need to support the student with school based issues, and distress occurring during school but unless you are trained in complicated grief counseling and/or traumatology, it is best to leave the trauma loss counseling to specialized grief/trauma counselors.
Common Characteristics of Kid’s Grief:
· Grieve in “doses”
· Grieve through play
· May temporarily regress to an earlier time of security
· May struggle to pay attention or stay focused in class
· May have a change in the quality and quantity of their work – for better OR worse
· May have increased complaints of illness and fatigue
· May experience increased absenteeism
· SUG – Sudden Upsurge of Grief – grief is triggered unexpectedly
In addition, teens may:
· Have an inability to focus or pay attention in class
· Have increased complaints of illness and fatigue
· Experience increased absenteeism
· Demonstrate a change in quality and quantity of work
· Demonstrate greater volatility of emotions
· Increase engagement in risk taking behaviours
GRIEVING STYLES
Although there is evidence which indicates that males grieve differently than females, it may be more helpful to look at grieving styles on a continuum where individuals may move towards either end.
Intuitive:
· generally tends to be more of a female trait
· feelings rather than thoughts
· intense inner pain
· can feel out of control
· feelings easily triggered by others
· needs to share & discuss feelings
· low physical energy; depression, decreased appetite
· heightened levels of anxiety
Instrumental:
· generally tends to be a male trait
· more of a physical or cognitive response than emotional
· thoughts rather than feelings
· muted or restrained feelings
· strains to maintain control
· loss is a challenge, or a problem to solve
· needs to be in control of feelings & behaviours
· energy goes to activity and thinking
· high physical arousal
Intervention according to style:
Intuitive:
· listen
· explore and help them express feelings
· connect them with other bereaved people i.e. grief support group
· “How does it feel….”
Instrumental:
· provide information about the situation of loss and/or the grief process
· explore the changes & impact on their current life
· include physical activity
· help them plan/hold memorial
· “What do you think ……”
DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF
Grief which is not socially recognized or acknowledged
· Losses are not recognized as legit -> grief also not recognized as legit
· If not recognized and facilitated the response may lead to complicated grief.
· Disenfranchised grief may involve:
o Types of loss i.e. abortion, suicide, moving to a new school, divorce
o Types of relationships i.e. teammate, neighbor, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend
o Characteristics of the griever i.e. a male student who is an intuitive griever
Is my student exhibiting disenfranchised grief?
Observe presenting signs of:
· Increased levels of anxiety
· Insomnia
· Increased substance abuse
· Peer conflict
· Feeling “blue” or increasingly fidgety and restless
Re-grieving
Kids re-grieve significant deaths or losses at events, or successive stages of development, during which the deceased may have been an important influence.
· One of the MOST missed causes of at risk behaviours in kids!
· The death of a parent during early childhood WILL lead to re-grief in adolescence
· Re-grief is experienced and expressed within the context of the present age and stage.
· It involves working through the tasks of grief all over again
ANTICIPATE “re-grieving” if a student is exhibiting unusual or delinquent behaviours.
o Articulate with other teachers/counselors who currently know the student, as well as previous teachers or school personnel.
o Talk with a parent/caregiver.
o Read the student’s cumulative file, or other relevant documentation.
o Meet with the student to explore past losses/deaths and their grief journey.
Interventions for working with grieving kids in your Classroom
o Discuss common grief characteristics, grieving styles, re-grief, etc.as appropriate
o Use websites which depict other teens/kids with similar experiences (see resources on handout)
o Use child/teen friendly language
2. Regulation of anxiety and cognition
Anxiety management -> promote parasympathetic dominance (move brain activity from the limbic system and distress, to the cortex and relaxation response) –> teach meditation or somatic relaxation interventions, physical activity and movement
Cognition regulation –> studies indicate that persistent negative thinking and talking increase levels of trauma distress –> teach and encourage positive self-talk, balance memory work focusing on good times with loss memories, encourage and support problem solving to enhance self-esteem
3. Advocate with Other Teachers/Parents
o Provide other teachers with learning resources regarding grief
o Document the student’s loss – a note in the CUM indicating the loss is helpful
o Articulate with teachers in the next semester/year/school
o Remind other teachers, often, that the student is grieving – 2 to 5 years/re-grief
o Meet with parents. It might be appropriate to do some grief education with them -> many parents welcome resources ** most parents will be concerned about their kids, but are likely grieving the same loss if it was a family event – they may not be able to help their kids as much as they normally would.
o Grade 12 – submit documentation for deferral or excused Diploma exams as indicated by the student`s condition
o Make other accommodations which you would make for a student unable to function in their usual manner
4. Expressive Arts as a tool for processing grief/trauma
i. Weather in my Head – next page
ii. Expressive Arts suggestions – next page
5. Cultural and Religious Beliefs about Death and Grief
There are many community and online resources for discovering the grieving practices of various cultures and religions.
o To discover the beliefs and traditions you might
These are signs that a student may be really struggling with their grief. Talk with the parent(s), and appropriate school personnel about your concerns.
• Persistent denial of the death
• Physical assault of others
• Persistent anger towards everyone
• Pervasive depression/isolation
• Prolonged feelings of guilt/responsibility for death
• Excessive misbehaviour or delinquency
• Persistent lack of interest in any activity
• Increased drug/alcohol use, or other risky behaviour
Personal Readiness to help a grieving kid
• What thoughts or feelings do you experience when dealing with a grieving child?
• How might these affect your work with a grieving child?
• What resources could help you be more effective with a bereaved student?
Sometimes we aren’t able to work with a grieving kid depending on issues such as our own history with a particular type of loss, current circumstances, etc. This is okay!
Refer the student to another counselor or resource teacher in the school, school board system support, an outside agency such as social services, Victim Assistance Services, Hospice personnel, etc.
Self-care -> need to care for self in the midst of caring for grieving students
• Strive to balance between work and personal life.
• Nutrition – increase vitamin B12, decrease sugar and caffeine
• Exercise – decrease arousal level, increase endorphins
• Develop strategies to build resiliency and hardiness.
RESOURCES
1. http://www.hospicecalgary.com – Calgary agency providing support for teachers and students
2. http://reddeerhospice.com - Red Deer Hospice
3. http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm - excellent online resource for teachers and students
4. http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html - practical resources
5. http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/mainsection.asp?section=000100010003&pagetitle=Schools%2FProfessionals – practical ideas and lessons to use with students
6. http://www.nasponline.org/resources/principals/culture_death.aspx - multicultural aspects of grief
7. http://rainbows.org – training for grief group facilitation
8. http://www.hospicenet.org/index.html - helpful guidelines for talking to children about death
9. http://www.curriculum.org/csc/resources/files/LossGriefEnglish.pdf - Loss, Grief and Growth curriculum
Websites for Students
http://www.kidsaid.com ***excellent interactive site for children
http://www.teensanddeath.com/index.html ***excellent interactive site for teens
http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm – excellent online resource for teachers and students
http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/foryoungpeople/default.asp?section=000100010001&pagetitle=Young+People – resources for students
http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/death/index.html – great resource for kids
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html - practical ideas for processing grief
Books
Self-connection Books -> One of the best providers in Calgary – can order online for smaller centers – www.selfconnection.ca
Counselling Books – just a few examples:
1. Neimeyer, Robert A., Lessons of Loss – A Guide to Coping, Centre for the Study of Loss and Transition, Memphis, Tennessee, 1998 ( available through Self-Connection Books in Calgary or Bob`s website http://web.mac.com/neimeyer/Home/About_Me.html ) - a great resource for practical activities to do with students to help them process their grief
2. Wolfelt, Alan D., Healing the Bereaved Child, Companion Press, Fort Collins, CO,1996 – practical guide for working with a bereaved student
3. Monroe, Barbara & Kraus, Frances, Brief Interventions with Bereaved Children, Oxford University Press, Oxford, England, 2005
4. Johnson, Kendall, Trauma in the Lives of Children – Crisis and Stress Management Techniques for Counselors, Teachers and Other Professionals, Second Edition, Hunter House, Alameda, CA, 1998
5. Corr, Charles, & Balk, David, Children’s Encounters with Death, Bereavement and Coping, Springer Publishing Co., New York, NY, 2010
6. Hospice Calgary Society, Good Grief – Supporting the Bereaved Student, Calgary, Alberta,2004
7. Darley, Suzanne &Heath, Wende, The Expressive Arts Activity Book, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London, England, 2008
8. Fitzgerald, Helen, The Grieving Child – a parent’s guide, Simon & Schuster, Inc. New York, N.Y., 2003
Books for Students – there are HUNDREDS of books for kids – this is just a sample:
9. Samuel-Traisman, Enid. Fire in My Heart, Ice in My Veins, Centering Corporation Resource, Omaha, NE, 1992 - Ideas for journaling a loss
10. Krementz, Jill, How it Feel When a Parent Dies, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, NY, 2001 – stories written with/by kids
11. Wolfelt, Alan, D., Healing a Teen`s Grieving Heart – 100 Practical Ideas, Companion Press, Fort Collins, CO, 2001 – ideas to share with a bereaved kid’s peers
12. Grollman, Earl A., Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers – How to Cope with Losing Someone you Love, Beacon Press, Boston, Massachusetts, 1993 – a helpful book for teens – easy read, might be helpful for an instrumental griever
13. Stepanek, Mattie J.T., Journey Through Heartsongs, Hyperion, New York, NY, 2001
14. Rivett, Rachel, Are you Sad, Little Bear? A book about learning to say goodbye, Lion Hudson, Oxford, England, 2009
15. Kaplow, Julie & Spiegel, Beth, Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile – An Story about Coping with the Loss of a Parent, Magination Press, Washington, DC, 2007
16. Krasny Brown, Laurie & Brown, Marc, When Dinosaurs Die – A guide to Understanding Death, Little, Brown and Company, New York, NY, 1996 – great book with glossy comic style book for young kids
17. Smith, Lisa, Not So Very Far Away, McArthur & Company, Toronto, Ont., 2004 – a story about a girl who moves and misses her best friend
GRIEF:
• the intense and painful response when someone or something a person cares about is perceived as lost
• Grief involves allowing oneself to fully experience the loss. There are no healthy shortcuts or ways to avoid grief.
• Grief is based on one’s perception of loss. Every person’s journey is unique because of this.
GRIEVING
• the process of integrating loss into one’s life
• ever-changing
• a whole person response and experience : emotional, physical, cognitive, spiritual
THEORIES OF GRIEF:
• Kubler – Ross stages outdated
• Replaced with models involving Tasks, Phases, and Processes
Task based theories of grief propose that the bereaved process their grief through the completion of certain tasks. William Worden, one of the best known task based theorists, proposes four tasks (2002):
Worden’s Task Model
1. Accept the reality of the death
2. Work through the pain of grief
3. Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is
4. Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life –
1. Accept the Reality of the Death
In Worden’s first task, to accept the reality of the death, a bereaved student struggles with the shock and denial related to the loss.
· It will take time for the student to comprehend that their loved one will not be coming home from work, that their chair at the dinner table will remain empty.
· ->a student may need a few months to accept the reality of a loss before they are able to move on to the next task.
· Here we may see a student who appears to be “doing okay” yet seems to deliberately refuse to believe that a death has occurred.
· They may do their best to limit changes in their school schedules.
· Some grieving students may even engage in additional after school activities to delay going home where the loved one is now missing.
2. Work through the Pain of Grief
In the second task, to work through the pain of grief, we see the consuming and exhausting manifestations of the multitude and intensity of emotions.
· The depth of pain may cause a desire to avoid or flee from the suffering.
· Students working through this task may experience, and/or express, any of the following:
· Anger - may be irrational and often displaced
· Fear – of death of self or others
· Panic or anxiety - about their current situation, and/or the future
· Physical illness - which may be caused by stress and lowered immunity
· Guilt - such as “If only I had______”.
· Signs of grief related depression.
· A death wish to be with the deceased or to end their own suffering (Fitzgerald, 2011)
· Bereaved children exhausted from grieving may begin to find school overwhelming.
· Some students choose to withdraw – either formally, or by default.
3. Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing
The third task is to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
· For many bereaved students the act of learning new skills and roles, during this potentially chaotic and unsettled time, forces them to change how they must now live without their loved one.
· Students may begin to speak about changes at home and school – taking their younger siblings to school, cooking supper for the family, an older student may quit volleyball for a job in order to supplement the family’s income
· There are a multitude of new roles and responsibilities created by the primary and secondary losses related to a death.
4. Emotionally Relocate the Deceased
To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life is Worden’s final task.
· This type of relocation means finding ways to alter the emotional investment as it once existed in the relationship.
· Engaging in new activities and relationships indicate that a grieving student may be involved in this task.
· Memorialization is an example of how a student may honour a relationship with the deceased while moving on with their own life.
· Creating and wearing special T-shirts or wrist bands which honour the deceased are creative expressions of this task.
Process Based Models reflect the process by which one grieves:
· Dual Process Model
· Continuing Bonds
The Dual Process Model
The oscillation between two sets of processes defines the dual process model:
“Loss - orientated” processes, which primarily involve the work of grieving, alternate with the “restoration-oriented” processes, which focus on living.
· This model exemplifies the type of” back and forth” grieving processes we might see with children and teens.
· Even as they grieve, the students continue to work through developmental tasks appropriate for their age.
· The complexity of the interaction of between coping with loss, and “getting on with life”, is clearly apparent through the perspective of the dual process model.
· A bereaved child’s tendency to grieve in “doses”, periods of grief interspersed with times of regular activity, exemplifies the oscillation between the two alternating processes.
· Sarah may spend an hour sobbing in the washroom about the recent death of a soccer teammate, but then returns to class to tackle her English project about Romeo and Juliet.
Continuing Bonds Model
New research suggests that we don’t “let go” but that we maintain a relationship – in absence.
· “letting go” of the deceased is a coping strategy which is not supported by this theory.
· keeping pictures on their cell phones,
· praying or talking to the deceased,
· feeling their presence at different times, planning a career which is similar to their deceased parent, and sometimes making plans for a deceased parent to be represented at a significant future event i.e. Prince William and Kate Middleton, had a “memorial chair” for Princess Diane at their wedding.
· The words of Matti J.T. Stepanek poignantly illustrate continuing bonds with his dead brother, Jamie in the poem “Special Things”
CHARACTERISTICS OF GRIEF
Neurobiology -> “Insecure attachments influence the developing brain, which in turn affects future interactions with others, self-esteem, self-control, and the ability to learn and to achieve optimum mental and physical health.” (www.healingresources.info, 2011)
· Insecure attachment –> death, severe loss of presence ->Fear -> over arousal of the sympathetic nervous system -> leads to enlargement of the amygdala – it prevents messages being received by the cortex where rational assessment and decision making is performed -> results in the Dorsal Anterior, insula, cingulate cortex and the nucleus accumbens becoming smaller.
· This results in a reduced capability to learn, make rational decisions, and perform effective problem-solving
· This entire process is called amygdala hijacking
· THIS is why we need to intervene
NOTE: These session notes discuss types of grief which kids will usually process on their own with minimum intervention.
***A SUDDEN UNEXPECTED DEATH qualifies as a “traumatic death”.
Student will likely have TRAUMA LOSS- integration of mourning and loss -> REFER
Students will still need to support the student with school based issues, and distress occurring during school but unless you are trained in complicated grief counseling and/or traumatology, it is best to leave the trauma loss counseling to specialized grief/trauma counselors.
Common Characteristics of Kid’s Grief:
· Grieve in “doses”
· Grieve through play
· May temporarily regress to an earlier time of security
· May struggle to pay attention or stay focused in class
· May have a change in the quality and quantity of their work – for better OR worse
· May have increased complaints of illness and fatigue
· May experience increased absenteeism
· SUG – Sudden Upsurge of Grief – grief is triggered unexpectedly
In addition, teens may:
· Have an inability to focus or pay attention in class
· Have increased complaints of illness and fatigue
· Experience increased absenteeism
· Demonstrate a change in quality and quantity of work
· Demonstrate greater volatility of emotions
· Increase engagement in risk taking behaviours
GRIEVING STYLES
Although there is evidence which indicates that males grieve differently than females, it may be more helpful to look at grieving styles on a continuum where individuals may move towards either end.
Intuitive:
· generally tends to be more of a female trait
· feelings rather than thoughts
· intense inner pain
· can feel out of control
· feelings easily triggered by others
· needs to share & discuss feelings
· low physical energy; depression, decreased appetite
· heightened levels of anxiety
Instrumental:
· generally tends to be a male trait
· more of a physical or cognitive response than emotional
· thoughts rather than feelings
· muted or restrained feelings
· strains to maintain control
· loss is a challenge, or a problem to solve
· needs to be in control of feelings & behaviours
· energy goes to activity and thinking
· high physical arousal
Intervention according to style:
Intuitive:
· listen
· explore and help them express feelings
· connect them with other bereaved people i.e. grief support group
· “How does it feel….”
Instrumental:
· provide information about the situation of loss and/or the grief process
· explore the changes & impact on their current life
· include physical activity
· help them plan/hold memorial
· “What do you think ……”
DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF
Grief which is not socially recognized or acknowledged
· Losses are not recognized as legit -> grief also not recognized as legit
· If not recognized and facilitated the response may lead to complicated grief.
· Disenfranchised grief may involve:
o Types of loss i.e. abortion, suicide, moving to a new school, divorce
o Types of relationships i.e. teammate, neighbor, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend
o Characteristics of the griever i.e. a male student who is an intuitive griever
Is my student exhibiting disenfranchised grief?
Observe presenting signs of:
· Increased levels of anxiety
· Insomnia
· Increased substance abuse
· Peer conflict
· Feeling “blue” or increasingly fidgety and restless
Re-grieving
Kids re-grieve significant deaths or losses at events, or successive stages of development, during which the deceased may have been an important influence.
· One of the MOST missed causes of at risk behaviours in kids!
· The death of a parent during early childhood WILL lead to re-grief in adolescence
· Re-grief is experienced and expressed within the context of the present age and stage.
· It involves working through the tasks of grief all over again
ANTICIPATE “re-grieving” if a student is exhibiting unusual or delinquent behaviours.
o Articulate with other teachers/counselors who currently know the student, as well as previous teachers or school personnel.
o Talk with a parent/caregiver.
o Read the student’s cumulative file, or other relevant documentation.
o Meet with the student to explore past losses/deaths and their grief journey.
Interventions for working with grieving kids in your Classroom
- Normalize the experience
- Regulation of anxiety and cognition
- ADVOCATE with other teachers and parents.
- Use creative arts to facilitate a new worldview and process trauma
- Acknowledge cultural and religious beliefs about death and grief
- Be a companion – you don’t have to be the expert.
- BE PATIENT.
o Discuss common grief characteristics, grieving styles, re-grief, etc.as appropriate
o Use websites which depict other teens/kids with similar experiences (see resources on handout)
o Use child/teen friendly language
2. Regulation of anxiety and cognition
Anxiety management -> promote parasympathetic dominance (move brain activity from the limbic system and distress, to the cortex and relaxation response) –> teach meditation or somatic relaxation interventions, physical activity and movement
Cognition regulation –> studies indicate that persistent negative thinking and talking increase levels of trauma distress –> teach and encourage positive self-talk, balance memory work focusing on good times with loss memories, encourage and support problem solving to enhance self-esteem
3. Advocate with Other Teachers/Parents
o Provide other teachers with learning resources regarding grief
o Document the student’s loss – a note in the CUM indicating the loss is helpful
o Articulate with teachers in the next semester/year/school
o Remind other teachers, often, that the student is grieving – 2 to 5 years/re-grief
o Meet with parents. It might be appropriate to do some grief education with them -> many parents welcome resources ** most parents will be concerned about their kids, but are likely grieving the same loss if it was a family event – they may not be able to help their kids as much as they normally would.
o Grade 12 – submit documentation for deferral or excused Diploma exams as indicated by the student`s condition
o Make other accommodations which you would make for a student unable to function in their usual manner
4. Expressive Arts as a tool for processing grief/trauma
i. Weather in my Head – next page
ii. Expressive Arts suggestions – next page
5. Cultural and Religious Beliefs about Death and Grief
There are many community and online resources for discovering the grieving practices of various cultures and religions.
o To discover the beliefs and traditions you might
- ask the grieving student about their cultural or religious practices
- ask peers, school staff, or a leader from the same culture/religion
- contact the religious or community center and speak to personnel
These are signs that a student may be really struggling with their grief. Talk with the parent(s), and appropriate school personnel about your concerns.
• Persistent denial of the death
• Physical assault of others
• Persistent anger towards everyone
• Pervasive depression/isolation
• Prolonged feelings of guilt/responsibility for death
• Excessive misbehaviour or delinquency
• Persistent lack of interest in any activity
• Increased drug/alcohol use, or other risky behaviour
Personal Readiness to help a grieving kid
• What thoughts or feelings do you experience when dealing with a grieving child?
• How might these affect your work with a grieving child?
• What resources could help you be more effective with a bereaved student?
Sometimes we aren’t able to work with a grieving kid depending on issues such as our own history with a particular type of loss, current circumstances, etc. This is okay!
Refer the student to another counselor or resource teacher in the school, school board system support, an outside agency such as social services, Victim Assistance Services, Hospice personnel, etc.
Self-care -> need to care for self in the midst of caring for grieving students
• Strive to balance between work and personal life.
• Nutrition – increase vitamin B12, decrease sugar and caffeine
• Exercise – decrease arousal level, increase endorphins
• Develop strategies to build resiliency and hardiness.
RESOURCES
1. http://www.hospicecalgary.com – Calgary agency providing support for teachers and students
2. http://reddeerhospice.com - Red Deer Hospice
3. http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm - excellent online resource for teachers and students
4. http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html - practical resources
5. http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/mainsection.asp?section=000100010003&pagetitle=Schools%2FProfessionals – practical ideas and lessons to use with students
6. http://www.nasponline.org/resources/principals/culture_death.aspx - multicultural aspects of grief
7. http://rainbows.org – training for grief group facilitation
8. http://www.hospicenet.org/index.html - helpful guidelines for talking to children about death
9. http://www.curriculum.org/csc/resources/files/LossGriefEnglish.pdf - Loss, Grief and Growth curriculum
Websites for Students
http://www.kidsaid.com ***excellent interactive site for children
http://www.teensanddeath.com/index.html ***excellent interactive site for teens
http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm – excellent online resource for teachers and students
http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/foryoungpeople/default.asp?section=000100010001&pagetitle=Young+People – resources for students
http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/death/index.html – great resource for kids
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html - practical ideas for processing grief
Books
Self-connection Books -> One of the best providers in Calgary – can order online for smaller centers – www.selfconnection.ca
Counselling Books – just a few examples:
1. Neimeyer, Robert A., Lessons of Loss – A Guide to Coping, Centre for the Study of Loss and Transition, Memphis, Tennessee, 1998 ( available through Self-Connection Books in Calgary or Bob`s website http://web.mac.com/neimeyer/Home/About_Me.html ) - a great resource for practical activities to do with students to help them process their grief
2. Wolfelt, Alan D., Healing the Bereaved Child, Companion Press, Fort Collins, CO,1996 – practical guide for working with a bereaved student
3. Monroe, Barbara & Kraus, Frances, Brief Interventions with Bereaved Children, Oxford University Press, Oxford, England, 2005
4. Johnson, Kendall, Trauma in the Lives of Children – Crisis and Stress Management Techniques for Counselors, Teachers and Other Professionals, Second Edition, Hunter House, Alameda, CA, 1998
5. Corr, Charles, & Balk, David, Children’s Encounters with Death, Bereavement and Coping, Springer Publishing Co., New York, NY, 2010
6. Hospice Calgary Society, Good Grief – Supporting the Bereaved Student, Calgary, Alberta,2004
7. Darley, Suzanne &Heath, Wende, The Expressive Arts Activity Book, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London, England, 2008
8. Fitzgerald, Helen, The Grieving Child – a parent’s guide, Simon & Schuster, Inc. New York, N.Y., 2003
Books for Students – there are HUNDREDS of books for kids – this is just a sample:
9. Samuel-Traisman, Enid. Fire in My Heart, Ice in My Veins, Centering Corporation Resource, Omaha, NE, 1992 - Ideas for journaling a loss
10. Krementz, Jill, How it Feel When a Parent Dies, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, NY, 2001 – stories written with/by kids
11. Wolfelt, Alan, D., Healing a Teen`s Grieving Heart – 100 Practical Ideas, Companion Press, Fort Collins, CO, 2001 – ideas to share with a bereaved kid’s peers
12. Grollman, Earl A., Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers – How to Cope with Losing Someone you Love, Beacon Press, Boston, Massachusetts, 1993 – a helpful book for teens – easy read, might be helpful for an instrumental griever
13. Stepanek, Mattie J.T., Journey Through Heartsongs, Hyperion, New York, NY, 2001
14. Rivett, Rachel, Are you Sad, Little Bear? A book about learning to say goodbye, Lion Hudson, Oxford, England, 2009
15. Kaplow, Julie & Spiegel, Beth, Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile – An Story about Coping with the Loss of a Parent, Magination Press, Washington, DC, 2007
16. Krasny Brown, Laurie & Brown, Marc, When Dinosaurs Die – A guide to Understanding Death, Little, Brown and Company, New York, NY, 1996 – great book with glossy comic style book for young kids
17. Smith, Lisa, Not So Very Far Away, McArthur & Company, Toronto, Ont., 2004 – a story about a girl who moves and misses her best friend